The Counselor is IN!

Accidents happen on playgrounds.  Sometimes people get hurt.  But we don’t need someone to put Band-Aids on our boo-boos; we need serious therapy. We’re writers, remember?  So, while some playgrounds might keep a nurse around, we have a mental health professional on staff, ready to talk us down off that ledge.

Shelley Visconte, LPC, LMFT, will be a frequent visitor to our Playground, discussing everything from dealing with rejection to traits to make our characters more believable.

Relationships and Conflict: We Don’t Disagree, Our Brains Do

I want to begin this article with a brief lesson in neuroscience. Wait, don’t stop reading yet! I promise I will make it brief and I do have a good reason for starting here. Understanding the ways in which men’s and women’s brains differentiate will not only improve our relationships, it may also help us answer the very question grumbled by men and women alike throughout history — “What the hell was he/she thinking?” Research has shown that the brains of men and women begin to differentiate shortly after conception. In fact, researchers have discovered roughly 100 differences.

Talk about dry and boring. I’m going to do you a favor and give you the “Cliff's Notes” version of the research:

• Male brains show more activity in the mechanical and spatial areas of the brain.
• Female brains show more activity in the verbal and emotional areas of the brain.
• Male brains use an average of 7,000 words per day.
• Female brains use an average of 20,000 words per day.
• Male and female brains process language, information, and emotion differently.
• Male brains are prone to promote independence, dominance, and aggression.
• Female brains are prone to promote empathy and good social skills.
• The average male brain thinks about sex several times per hour.
• The average female brain thinks about sex several times per day.
• Male brains excel at compartmentalizing information.
• Female brains excel at taking in large amounts of information from various sources all at once.
• Male brains have difficulty identifying the feelings of others unless there is potential harm or danger involved.
• Female brains have little difficulty identifying the feelings of others even when the person does not speak the same language.

So, exactly how can gaining a better understanding of male and female brain differences improve our relationships? First, it can help us to better understand motivation. Let’s take a look at the differences in how women and men problem solve. Because of her superior verbal skills, women tend to seek out others and explore many possible solutions to her problem. Because of their greater ability to compartmentalize, men tend to isolate, then, in a very precise and logical manner, find the best solution to their problem. Women usually perceive the isolation men engage in as a sign that she has done something wrong. After all, why would someone who has a problem want to be alone? She knows she must take immediate action. What does she do? Well, of course she follows the motto of women world wide —“When in doubt, talk it out!” This is the last thing a man wants when he is trying to solve a problem. After all, as any man with half a brain knows, the best way to solve a problem is to do it alone. You know the rest of the story... confusion, misunderstanding, finger pointing, arguing, and so on.

It seems like every day a new book is written on this subject. Yet, even with hundreds of pages of information, most of them are barely able to scratch the surface. Unfortunately, because of the complexity of the brain and relationships, you will probably finish this article with more questions than answers. Don’t worry though, there are many excellent books on this subject readily available on Amazon. Here are a few quick tips to keep in mind. 

• Women are better than men at sensing the needs and feelings of others. I wish I had a dollar for every time I heard a woman say, “If he loved me he would know. I wouldn’t have to tell him.” If he can’t anticipate your needs or feelings, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you. It means he isn’t a mind reader. Women, if you have wants or needs, tell him. Don’t punish him for not delivering on something that he isn’t aware of.
• Men need results. Women need the process. Keeping this in mind, men, you are going to have to do more sitting quietly and nodding patiently, even though it goes against every cell in your male brain. Women, for you, this means no more, “When in doubt, talk it out.” When talking with men adopt a new motto, “Short and sweet.”
• Women give, men receive. Women, if you need help, ask for it. Men, if women ask for help, help and don’t grumble about it. Clear enough?
• Women use generalizations. Men, let me show you how to translate these generalizations. Women often say: “We never do anything.” Translation: “It has been a really long time since we went out and I would like to do something.” Here’s another. Women say: “You never tell me you love me.” Translation: “I need verbal reassurance of your love more often.” Women, here is a little advice for you. Men respond best to direct and specific instructions. Next time, instead of saying, “We never do anything.” Try this instead, “I really enjoy spending time with you. How about we start setting aside two evenings a month to do something together?”

Research has shown no disparities in the general intellegnce levels of men and women. Each gender is born with its own unique strengths and weaknesses. The problem does not lie in the actual thinking of one gender or another. The problem instead is misunderstanding the other gender’s thinking. The next time you are having difficulty understanding the behavior, reaction, or motivation of your significant other, try thinking less like your gender and more like theirs.  

Please feel free to contact me if you have any questions or comments on this article, or if you have suggestions for future article topics. I look forward to hearing from you! Email Shelley at shelley@writingplayground.com or check out the Clinic archive.

Shelley Visconte is the Director of Red River Counseling, Coaching and Consulting. She provides telephone counseling and coaching and on-site professional training through her website www.mysolutionfinder.com or at (318)929-7628. Friends of the Writing Playground can receive a discount on a future counseling session.