The Writing Playground

Even on our worst days, we all have strength. Often it is on our worst days that we need to utilize our strengths the most. Unfortunately, the bad times are usually when we focus on the negative, and are therefore less able to identify and utilize our strengths. This is a situation when developing a new habit can be a good thing. If we practice identifying and utilizing our strengths during the good times, we will be better equipped to utilize them when we need them the most. This is a time when practice makes perfect, so let’s start practicing. The first step is to identify your personal strengths. If you aren’t aware of your strengths it will be impossible to remember and utilize them. Here are a few areas to take a look at and questions to get you started:

Career / Professional – Do you earn a good salary? Are you respected by your colleagues? Do you enjoy what you do? Are you a great team member? Do you possess leadership skills?

Financial – Are you financially independent, or on the path towards financial independence?

Health – Are you in generally good health? Do you have plenty of energy? Are you able to recuperate from health issues in a relatively short period of time? Have you made your self a priority? Are you willing to seek support and assistance when you need it?

Relationships – Do you have friends and or family you can depend on to provide support when you need it? Are you a great friend?

Communication – Are you articulate? Do you communicate clearly and or confidently? Are you comfortable sharing your ideas and insights? Are you a good public speaker? Are you good one on one? Do you have social grace? Are you naturally gregarious?

Outlook – Are you optimistic? Do you live in the future, not past? Are you realistic?

Personal – Are you dependable? Do you find it easy to get organized? Are you a hard worker? Do you possess determination? Are you honest? Do you have a great sense of humor? Are you a self starter? Do you find it east to empathize with others? Are you caring and compassionate? Do you possess a natural curiosity and desire for learning? Are you generous? Do you have patience? Are you considerate?

Challenges – Do you recover from disappointments relatively quickly? Are you able anticipate possible problems? Do you adapt well to change? Are you willing to take risks? Do you plan well?

Need more help identifying your strengths? Take a look at this list of words and decide which ones best describe you.
Polite               Witty               Poised             Adaptable       Practical          Imaginative
Strong             Clever              Reliable           Easy-going      Realistic          Persevering
Gentle             Generous        Daring             Versatile          Independent    Unassuming
Active             Sensible           Curious            Confident        Tenacious        Adventurous
Firm                 Rational          Relaxed           Forgiving         Responsible     Open-minded
Calm                Flexible           Helpful            Competent      Spontaneous    Unexcitable
Eager               Tolerant           Sincere            Courageous     Industrious      Understanding
Patient             Original           Precise             Supportive       Far-sighted      Strong-minded
Careful            Charming        Tactful             Consistent       Considerate     Light-hearted
Logical            Cautious         Friendly           Analytical        Humorous       Fair-minded
Capable           Sensitive         Sociable           Thoughtful      Ambitious       Self-controlled
Likable            Loyal               Cheerful          Purposeful       Organized       Resourceful
Serious            Efficient          Dignified         Meticulous      Loving             Affectionate
Warm              Stable              Prudent           Optimistic       Mature             Good-natured
Kind                Steady             Inventive         Determined     Thorough         Contentious
Alert                Honest             Energetic         Assertive         Intelligent        Trustworthy

Now that your strengths have been identified, we need to learn how to make the most of them. Below are a few tips to help you do just that.

You don’t have to be a contractor to know that buying a house with a bad foundation is probably not a wise investment. Just as with a home, your personal foundation must be strong to ensure the integrity of everything you build on top of it. As you strengthen your personal foundation, you will notice confidence replacing fear. When faced with future challenges, feelings of being ill-equipped or unprepared will be replaced with feelings of competence, confidence, and a positive outlook for the future. Now get out there and use those strengths!

What is it about bad boys that cause them to be so irresistible for most women? We know they are trouble, yet we allow ourselves to become entangled in their web of charm and excitement. Why? Bad boys possess many of the traits that society perceives as masculine. They are intense, aggressive, ambitious, and willing to challenge the norm. For much of human history it has been survival of the fittest. Bad boys are survivors living to acquire, consume, and win. For the woman willing to overlook and endure the many shortcomings of a bad boy, there are usually spoils to be enjoyed. Just look at Donald Trump, Mick Jagger, and Jack Nicholson. In my opinion, there’s not a looker in the bunch, yet they always have a beautiful woman on their arm. Despite their reputations as notorious womanizers, none of them have a problem getting a date or even a wife. What bad boys offer is not just monetary in nature. Bad boys are exhilarating and can inject passion and excitement into even most the structured and stale lifestyle. Bad boys draw attention to themselves and, in turn, to the women involved with them.

Adding to the bad boy allure is most women's love of a good “project.” Even if you aren’t a DIY diva, chances are you still feel an innate need to “fix” men. I use the word innate because it’s a women’s nurturing instinct that lead her to view bad boys as especially attractive and almost irresistible “projects.” As well-meaning nurturers, women often believe that with enough love and understanding, bad boys can be “fixed.” Although an erroneous notion, women are not completely at fault for this thinking error. Movies and books often perpetuate the notion that bad boys are bad because they just haven’t found the right woman yet. The belief is that once he experiences the love of a truly “good” woman, the bad boy will immediately abandon his selfish and immature ways. Although it would be nice if this were true, alas this notion is nothing more than a fairy tale. Just like Cinderella and her glass slipper, while it may make a good story, it just doesn’t translate to the real world.

Due to their inability to take no for an answer, bad boys often don’t give women much chance to resist.Bad boys aren’t afraid to go after what they want, including women. When initiating relationships, bad boys are assertive and relentless. For many women, this aggressive Take Charge approach can be exhilarating and appealing. “Nice” guys wait until the time is right to make their move. For bad boys, the time is right whenever and wherever they decide it is.

Bad boys can be lots of fun and are often the life of the party. Unfortunately, parties don’t last forever and neither do relationships with bad boys. Often, just as quickly as they gained interest, bad boys loose interest. Bad boys are relationship tornadoes. They inject themselves into the lives of women, and once gone, they leave behind a path of destruction. My advice, give in to the allure. Enjoy the excitement and passion that bad boys can bring. Just do it vicariously. Like in a romance novel.

No, that isn’t a typo. I did mean to say “Bad News.” How is it possible for the one thing you have been waiting, hoping, praying, and struggling for to be bad news? I can answer that with just one word: Want.

If you want it, chances are others around you want it too. Such is the case with being published. As a writer, this is your holy grail. Most writers want it, and they want it badly. To most, being published is a tangible declaration of their success and talent as a writer. None of us live in a vacuum. Just as you have longed to say the words “I sold,” so have your other writer friends. So, when the day comes that you are able excitedly herald the news “I sold,” how will your writer friends react? Chances are their feelings will be mixed. On the one hand, they will be happy for your success and accomplishment, and on the other hand, jealous of your success and accomplishment. Why? Not because they are a bad person but because they want it too, and they want it badly.

It may not be flattering to admit, but face it-- if you are human, you want. We all want frequently and it is not unusual (dare I say even not wrong) to want what others have. Wanting, contrary to popular belief, is not a character flaw. Wanting equals motivation. If we do not want, we do not act. Our brains have been wired to want and for good reason. For our ancestors, who did not know the luxury of having food, shelter and health care readily available, a lack of wanting, and therefore a lack of motivation, could equal death. For writers, the modern day equivalent is if you do not “want” to be published, you will not sacrifice and put in the time and effort necessary to become a published author.

In addition to serving as an impetus for action, wanting is also a product of the fact that we are all junkies. Before you start dialing the number for the nearest drug rehab facility, let me state that I use the word “junkie” very loosely. When we are happy, often because we have gotten something that we want, our brains release feel-good chemicals such as the neurotransmitter dopamine. These are some of the very same chemicals that are released when we drink alcohol or take drugs such as cocaine or heroin. You don’t have to be a drug addict to crave this chemical rush. We all frequently and purposefully engage in behaviors that result in feeling good. For me, it is purchasing obscenely expensive shoes. Like junkies, once we get a taste of the euphoria that is produced when we get something we want, we crave more.

With all of these factors pushing us to want, how do we deal with the feelings of envy an jealousy that are the inevitable product of our wanting? More specifically, as writers how do we deal with the negative feelings that often arise when those around us are being published and we aren’t? For my answer, I look to the Playfriends. I hold up their approach as the gold standard treatment for that common affliction, jealously. Their solution was a simple one: they talked about it. Talking about it gets it out in the open so when jealousies inevitably occur, they can be shared and dealt with. If you are faced with your own feelings of jealousy or the jealousy of others, here a few things to keep in mind:

The notion of wanting being “hard wired” into our brains is not meant to serve as an excuse for bad behavior. There is never an excuse for bad behavior. Wanting something, even really badly, does not justify behaviors such as taking from others, winning at the expense of others, or overindulgence. What I hope is this knowledge will provide you with a reason, other than “I must be a bad person,” for experiencing wanting and jealously. If one of your friends sells, and you experience the inevitable twinge of jealousy, don’t beat yourself. Instead, do what the Playfriends did. Talk about it!

It’s summer time and you know what that means. Sticky, heat-filled trips to overpriced amusement parks, or, if you’re lucky, a frosty, brightly-colored drink in your hand and sand between your toes. If you’ve decided not to go on vacation this year, you might want to rethink your decision. A recent study found that men who didn’t go on vacation five years in a row were thirty percent more likely to suffer a heart attack. I know; wow! Who knew that not taking a vacation could be hazardous to your health? However, going on vacation won’t do your body and mind much good if you return exhausted instead of rejuvenated.

We’ve all heard of type A and type B personalities, but have you ever heard of a vacation personality? Just as your general personality determines how you think and behave, your vacation personality determines how often you vacation, how you approach vacation planning, and whether when on vacation you turn into a girl gone wild or stick in the mud.

To determine your vacation personality, take a look at the quiz below. Read each statement and decide if it describes you a little or a lot. When you’re finished, add up your points and find your score below.

1.) I have too much to do and just don’t have time for a vacation. _____
2.) I would never go on a spontaneous vacation. _____
3.) I usually use a travel agency or tour group make my travel plans. _____
4.) I prefer to frequent the same vacation spot. _____
5.) I make sure I always follow my vacation plans. _____
6.) I spend months researching and planning vacations. _____
7.) Cost is the most important factor when planning a vacation. _____
8.) I only go on vacation if I can stay with friends or family. _____
9.) Having a vacation home is a waste of money. _____
10.) I start packing at least one month before a vacation. _____

10-16 You are an uptight, sometimes reluctant, traveler. If you do travel, you have every minute of your vacation planned and will not deviate from your plans even if it kills you. You often pack for every possible weather condition and emergency. You will not, under any circumstances, be caught unprepared or off-schedule.

17-23 You aren’t an overly anal traveler, but you’re not exactly a free spirit either. You make plans, but you’re not a vacation dictator. When planning a vacation, you take your schedule and financial situation into consideration. You pack carefully, but not to the extent that you insist everything is in a space bag in case of an emergency water landing.

25-30 If you aren’t on vacation, you’re thinking about it. Even if your checking account is overdrawn and you have no vacation days available, you will find a way to go on vacation. For you, vacations aren’t a luxury, they are as necessary to your existence as food and water. You’ve collected snow globes or spoons from each state and proudly display them above your television.

Now that you know whether you need to “chill out” or put the brakes on your vacation excesses, take a look at the tips below. Try a few of them during your next vacation. Hopefully, you will find your stress levels decreasing and enjoyment increasing.

I hope everyone has a great summer and if you don’t already have a vacation planned, start planning immediately.

Did you know that May is Date Your Mate Month? Here’s a little more useless information. May also includes Be Kind to Smelly People Day, Tear the Tags Off of Mattresses Day, Freud Day, Leprechaun Day, Dance Like a Chicken Day, Fungal Infection Awareness Day, and My Buckets Got a Hole in it Day. Since I don’t quite understand the purpose of most of these “holidays” and it’s my opinion that Freud was full of it, I’m going to stick to the topic of “mate dating.”

If “dating our mate” is so important that it has an entire month devoted to it; why do most of us in long term relationships need to be reminded to continue to “date”? Simply put, we get busy and lazy. Over time, we all have the tendency to slide into a relationship rut. This happens because it’s comfortable and it’s easy. When a relationship is new, tending to it is almost innate. We pour a good deal of our time and effort into building and growing the relationship. Unfortunately, our attention is almost always eventually drawn away from the relationship to other things like bills, laundry, and Little League. Life is demanding, and it‘s hard to find time for everything and everyone. However, we must make our partner a priority.

It’s not only important to spend time with your mate, it’s equally important that the time be quality time. Time spent together should help grow your relationship, not damage it. Being able to identify both your needs and your partner’s needs is paramount to growing your relationship and making the most of your time together.

Often we assume that others have the same needs as we do. That notion is far from true, especially when it comes to men and women. As you will see below, the needs of men and women vary greatly.

Below is a list of the ten most common relationship needs for both men and women:

Try having both you and your partner separately rank each of these needs according to its importance. Of course if you think of other needs not on the list, add them. Plan a quiet time to get together and discuss each of your “needs.” I know this doesn’t sound like the most romantic or exciting thing to do. However, if you do take the time to discuss needs, I guarantee it will lead to future excitement and romance.

Being aware of your partner’s needs helps cut down on the guess work and makes it easier to deliver. When we aware of our own needs, it’s much easier to communicate our needs to our partners. After all, if you don’t know what you need, how do you expect your partner to know?* Happy communicating
and writing to all!

* A special note to the ladies. Banish the “if he loved me he would know” thoughts from your mind for ever. Men’s brains have developed to specialize in different things than women’s brains. Due to these differences in our brains, men aren’t as good at anticipating needs as we are. It’s not their fault that they are “anticipation challenged.” Help them out a little. If you need it, ask for it.

Ever wonder if one of your character’s sexual escapades crosses the line? Where is the line that separates “kinky” sex acts from the down right dysfunctional? What is considered “kinky” or “perverted” varies from culture to culture. Some religions consider most sexual activity to be a “sin,” while others condone these acts as long as they take place within a healthy and loving marital relationship. In this article I am going to discuss how those of us in the mental health field determine if a sex act is common, kinky, or criminal.

The word paraphillia is an umbrella term used to describe a variety of unusual sexual interests. The Diagnostic and Statical Manual of Mental Disorders, Edition IV (DSM IV), describes paraphillia as persistent, intense fantasies, urges, or behaviors involving sexual arousal to:

Also, the object, behavior, or situation is necessary for sexual arousal and the unusual behavior causes significant social, relational, or occupational dysfunction.

Persons with paraphillic interests are not typically considered dysfunctional or mentally ill by those in the mental health field. A paraphillic interest is considered dysfunctional if it is illegal, causes unwanted suffering, or strongly disrupts development of healthy sexual relationships. Many paraphillias are viewed by the legal system as harmless. However, paraphillias such as pedophilia and frotterism are considered criminal. Which acts are considered to be paraphillic not only vary from culture to culture, but which acts are considered paraphillic also change over time. Homosexuality was considered a dysfunctional paraphillia until its relatively recent removal from the DSM.

Paraphillias are more common in males than females (about 20 to1). The most commonly diagnosed paraphillias are pedophilia, voyeurism, and exhibitionism. Most paraphillic tendencies begin during childhood or adolescence and become more elaborate and better defined during adulthood.

The current thought on the cause of paraphillia development is that these behaviors develop through classical conditioning. This is the same classical conditioning that Pavlov observed in his dogs. To put it very simply, sexual gratification and enjoyment somehow becomes associated with, and eventually paired with, the paraphillic behavior.

Unhealthy or illegal paraphillic behavior is often treated on a long term basis, with an unfortunately low rate of success, using a combination of behavior modification therapy and medications such as antidepressants. While women react better to therapy, most males do not. The most effective treatments for males involve testosterone reduction. This reduction can be achieved through surgical castration or administration of an antiandrogenic drug such as Depo Provera. Although effective, these treatments are not favored because they are thought to be cruel and are often associated with numerous unpleasant side effects.

We are all familiar with paraphillias such as pedophilia, voyeurism, and exhibitionism—all of which are illegal when acted upon. Here are some you probably aren’t familiar with…..or depending on how sexually adventurous your characters are, maybe you are familiar with them.

Acousticophilia: arousal from sounds (Kinky)
Zoophilia: attraction to animals (Kinky—unless acted upon, then it’s Criminal.)
Agalmatophilia: attraction to statues or mannequins (Kinky)
Amaurophilia: arousal to blindfolding partner (Common)
Coprophilia: attraction to feces (Kinky)
Aretifism: attraction to someone who is barefoot (Common)
Dendrophilia: attraction to trees and large plants (Kinky)
Eproctophilia: attraction to flatulence (Kinky)
Emetophilia: attraction to vomit (Kinky)
Aquaphilia: arousal from water (not terribly Common, but not really Kinky either)
Frotterism: arousal from rubbing unsuspecting stranger (Criminal when acted upon)
Urolagnia: attraction to urine (Kinky)
Trichophilia: attraction to hair (Common)
Xenophilia: attraction to foreigners (not Common, but not Kinky either)
Telephone scatologia: aroused by making obscene phone calls (Criminal)
Sadism: arousal from inflicting pain (Common)
Spectrophilia: attraction to ghosts (not Common, but not terribly Kinky)
Pyrophilia: arousal from fire (Kinky if just aroused by it—becomes Criminal if vandalism ensues)
Retifism: attraction to shoes (Common)
Schediaphilia: attraction to cartoon characters (kinda Kinky)
Sitophilia: arousal from food (Common)
Masochism: arousal from being humiliated or made to suffer (Common)
Somnophilia: attraction to sleeping person (kinda Kinky)
Plushophilia: attraction to stuffed toys or furry costumes (Kinky)
Necrophilia: attraction to corpses (Kinky to feel; Criminal if acted upon)
Haematophilia: attraction to blood (Kinky)
Hybristophilia: attraction to criminals (Kinky)
Zelophilia: arousal from jealousy (in between Common and Kinky, but not healthy)
Infantilism: arousal from acting or dressing like a baby (Kinky)
Nasophilia: attraction to noses (neither Common nor Kinky—just unusual)
Katoptronophilia: attraction to mirrors (Common to want to watch sex in a mirror)
Maiesiophilia: attraction to pregnancy or birth (Kinky)
Klismaphilia: arousal from enemas (Kinky)

Hopefully, now you will be able to create sexually adventurous characters with the confidence that you are not unintentionally creating a sexual deviant. Also, the information in this article should help to ensure that your sexually deviant villains are truly deviant. Happy writing!

Not just a soap opera storyline staple anymore, Multiple Personality Disorder is a psychiatric diagnosis that you probably come into contact with far more than you realize. In fact, this disorder even has its own day (March 5th). In this month’s article, I hope to shed some light onto this always intriguing and often perplexing disorder.

Originally named Multiple Personality Disorder, Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) was not officially recognized as a mental disorder until 1980. This was a long time coming considering that Eberhard Gmelin wrote about what he called "exchanged personality" in 1791. Gmelin began writing about “exchanged personality” after coming into contact with a 21-year-old German woman who spoke French and claimed to be a French aristocrat.

Often, DID develops as a defense mechanism against childhood abuse. When victims are unable to physically escape from horrific and overwhelming experiences, disassociation allows them to escape mentally. The primary function of disassociation is to compartmentalize traumatic memories in order to keep them out of the sufferer’s consciousness. Studies show that 97 to 98% of DID sufferers report abuse during childhood. Although abuse is usually the cause, other possible precipitating events include war, disaster, loss, serious medical illness, or death of a loved one. The symptoms of DID often include:

The current diagnostic criteria for Dissociative Identity Disorder listed in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition is as follows:

DID is a highly controversial diagnosis, with 50% of mental health professionals denying that it even exists. Skeptics contend that persons who exhibit symptoms of DID do so because of reinforcement and reward from therapists and other DID patients. Skeptics also point out that DID is a phenomenon largely unique to English-speaking countries.

Initially, DID is often misdiagnosed as schizophrenia. This frequent misdiagnosis is thought to be due to the fact that approximately one third of DID patients complain of “hearing voices” and often exhibit seemingly odd behavior.

Although there has been a recent sharp rise in reported cases, DID is rare. So rare that personally, out of my thousands of counseling clients, I have had one client whom I think had true DID. Originally, most psychiatrists insisted that men did not suffer from this illness. Today, due to research, we know that although women make up the majority of cases, approximately 10-20% of sufferers are male.
It is believed that there is no adult onset of DID, with research showing the average age of initial development to be 5.9 years old. Research has shown that DID sufferers tend to be highly hypnotizable. The ease with which they are hypnotized is thought to be the reason for DID patients’ ability to disassociate and “split” into various personalities.

Alter is the generic term used for the different personalities presented by DID patients. The function of alters is to protect the DID sufferer from the memory of trauma. DID patients have been reported to have as many as one hundred alters. The average number of alters for females is fifteen, while for males, the average is eight. Each alter has a distinct personal history, body movements, and facial and verbal expressions specific to them. Each alter often responds to a different name and can be a different age, sex, and race than the DID sufferer. Alters play specific roles and can usually be traced back to real-life persons who formed a strong impression upon the DID victim. Common types of alters include:

Time loss among DID sufferers is common and can be devastating. Time loss or temporary amnesia usually occurs when something in the environment triggers an alter to take over. DID patients often find themselves in a place or talking to someone they don’t know. They may also be told of things they have done, but do not remember, or of notable changes in their behavior. The length and duration of amnesic episodes varies from patient to patient. Due to their often confusing state, DID patients may refer to themselves in first person plural (we) or in third person (he, she, they).
Treatment of DID is often difficult and usually requires many years of extensive work. There are numerous DID treatment techniques. The approach chosen by the therapist often depends upon the individual patient and the type and severity of their symptoms. The most common treatment options include:

There is great debate over whether DID can or should be cured. Some modernist writers, such as William James, believe that the unity of one’s self is an illusion and everyone is fundamentally multiple. Others with similar views argue that DID is not a disorder, but instead a naturally occurring variation of human consciousness. These persons also often believe that as long as there is communication and cooperation between personalities, DID patients can lead happy and productive lives without integrating personalities into a single personality.

There are several cases that took DID from a little known disorder to a talk show staple. The first being the 1957 publication of the book and subsequent film release of The Three Faces of Eve by psychiatrists, Corbett H. Thigpen and Hervey M. Cleckley. Both the book and film are based on the case of Christine Costner-Sizemore who reportedly developed DID after witnessing, as a child, two deaths and a horrifying accident within three months of each other.

Sybil, was another influential book (1974) and movie (1976) combo. Written by Flora Rheta Schreiber, the book is based on the therapy of Shirley Mason. The main character, renamed “Sybil Dorsett” to protect Mason’s identity, develops 16 personalities after, as a child, enduring extreme abuse at the hands of her mother. “Sybil’s” personalities range from Ruthie, the baby, to Vicky, the self-assured, sophisticated, attractive blonde. Mason even developed two male personalities, one of which being Mike, the builder and carpenter who had olive skin, dark hair, and brown eyes.

Another important event was the reporting of widespread satanic ritual abuse in the early 1980s by evangelical Christian writers Hal Lindsey and Johanna Michelson. In their writings, Lindsey and Michelson warned of an international network of satanic cults operating secretly, kidnapping children, using them in human sacrifices, and deliberately using mind control to induce DID in the children.
The popularization of DID becomes more apparent after realizing its frequent appearance in books, movies, television, and even cartoons. The following list only scratches the surface:

Elusive and controversial, DID is a disorder that, in my opinion, we have just begun to understand. Throughout the process of writing this article, my goal has been to present enough information to better your understanding of DID; yet at the same time, leave enough unanswered questions to spark both creativity and interest within you. For me, the story of DID is a true page turner whose ending has yet to be written.

How many New Year's resolutions have you kept past Valentine’s Day? If the answer is ‘none,” don’t feel guilty because you aren’t alone. Most of us fail at keeping our resolutions, not because of a lack of desire, but because of a lack of knowledge and planning. Understanding how to properly create a resolution and maintain motivation, are essential to resolution success. In last month’s article I reviewed the steps to proper resolution planning. Now that we are aware of the right way to create a resolution, we will learn about the most difficult part of all, follow through.

Step 1 - Understanding what motivates you. Motivation adherence research suggests that there are two types of motivation orientations, ego and task.

For example: If a task-oriented person resolves to quit smoking, they might join a support group. The bulk of their effort will be put into planning and strategizing. They might find out which restaurants are nonsmoking and decide to only eat at those establishments. To feel challenged, they might plan to spend an evening with friends who smoke but establish a goal of not having more than one cigarette that evening.

For example: When trying to quit smoking, rather than a support group, the ego-oriented person might use a nicotine patch or nicotine gum. They might place a bet with several co-workers they think lack their level of dedication. The bulk of their effort will be put into sharing their successes, and most importantly, winning the bet.

FYI, studies suggest that women tend to be task-oriented, while men to be ego-oriented.

Successful resolution maintenance has much to do with understanding our individual motivations, expectations, and needs. We each have a different perception of what success looks like and how we “should” get there. No matter what the reality, if we don’t feel successful and aren’t proud of our success, it will be almost impossible to maintain motivation.

Step 2 – Understand the personal attributes essential to resolution maintenance.Maintaining a resolution requires understanding motivation and understanding what is required behaviorally and emotionally. Not only do we need to think like we want to change, but we also need to behave like we want to change.

To help ensure success, try to cultivate these personal attributes essential to resolution maintenance:

Maintain a positive attitude. A positive attitude isn’t something you don’t have to worry about until your resolution has begun. Seeing things in a positive manner is important from inception, to planning, and throughout the process of turning your resolution into a habit. Remember to phrase statements and thoughts in terms of what you are gaining, not what you are giving up.
Don’t make excuses and don’t give up. Clear enough?
Remain flexible. Resolution development is a process that often requires a fair amount of trial and error. Resolutions should always be subject to change but never subject to compromise. It is imperative that your final goal remain the same. However, the manner in which you achieve your goal and the amount of time it takes to accomplish your goal should change as you deem necessary.
Take pride in your accomplishments. Celebrate and share any and all successes-- no matter how big or small. For example, each week of successfully sticking to your workout routine might be rewarded by treating yourself to a massage or pedicure. Tell supportive friends and family members about your accomplishments. Their encouragement will help keep you motivated during trying times.
Remain clear about the importance of your resolution. Write down your goals, words of praise from friends and family, what you stand to gain, and successes. Post these where you will see them everyday, such as your bathroom mirror, computer, or refrigerator. A resolution that is out of sight often becomes a resolution that is out of mind.
Believe in your ability to change. Just because you have failed in the past, it doesn’t mean that future failure is inevitable. We all successfully make changes throughout our life. To boost your confidence in your ability to change, try jotting down some of your change successes. If you have trouble coming up with anything, ask friends and family for help. Often we forget where we started and how far we have come. Keeping a journal will help you establish a baseline and monitor progress through your change process.
Commitment to accomplishment. Changing our habits often require changing our lifestyles. Changes such as these don’t happen overnight and they don’t come easily. Don’t turn a temporary setback into an excuse to give up.

Don’t let past negative experience and failures stop you from experiencing growth and achievement. With the proper knowledge, planning, and commitment, lasting success is possible. Good luck and happy changing!

This time of year is often filled with enthusiasm and optimism as to all of the possibilities and opportunities in the year ahead. Each year, with vigor and confidence, we vow to discard our bad habits and resolve to become a new and improved version of ourselves. Unfortunately, usually by March (or if we are lucky, April), our vigor and optimism is replaced with complacency and hopelessness. Why are the vast majority of people, although well intentioned and enthusiastic, not able to stick with their resolutions? There are two simple answers to this perplexing question, the first of which is poor planning. When filled with enthusiasm and optimism, we tend to dive right into new projects with little or no hesitation. Although our absence of hesitation may seem like a good thing, it actually isn’t. Hesitation serves a very important purpose; it allows us to stop and do a little thinking before jumping in headfirst. We have all heard the saying, “Haste makes waste.” This nugget of wisdom holds true for many things, including resolutions. Rush into a resolution and you will more than likely fail due to frustration, and end up wasting time, energy, and perhaps money. Reducing possible sources of resolution frustration is one of the two keys to ensuring you will stick with your resolution. The following are a few tips on how to reduce the likelihood of frustration and increase the likelihood of success.

Make only 1 or 2 resolutions. Most of us have numerous things we would like to work on and change. Don’t take on everything at one time. Tackling too much at one time will only lead to your becoming overwhelmed and frustrated. Remember, slow and steady.

Make sure your resolution is realistic and achievable. Never eating another Krispy Kream doughnut as long as you live is not an achievable goal. Well, at least it is for me. For example, if your resolution is to get into shape, don’t tell yourself you have to workout everyday. No one can go from couch potato to Jane Fonda overnight. Instead, start with a day or two a week. If you find that your resolution is not challenging enough, you can always raise the bar later.

Be specific; don’t be vague. Vague resolutions tend to be difficult to break down into manageable pieces and it is even sometimes difficult to determine when you have achieved them. For example, resolving to maintain a more positive attitude is too vague. How will you go about maintaining a more positive attitude? How will you know when your attitude has improved adequately? A better resolution would be to learn how to reframe negative thoughts into positive ones and to reframe at least 10 negative thoughts per day. With this resolution it is much easier to determine how to achieve your goal and when you have achieved it.

Break your resolutions down into short and long term goals. Your resolution achievement plan should include daily, weekly, and monthly goals. If your resolution is to loose 20 pounds, a daily goal might be to reduce your normal caloric intake by 5% each day until your reach 2,000 calories. An example of a weekly goal might be to begin exercising for 10 minutes, 4 times a week, and increasing each exercise session by 5 minutes per week until you reach 45 minutes.

Develop a timeline. Since most of us work harder when we have a deadline, give your resolution a reasonable deadline. A timeline will help keep you focused, on track, and will make it easier to resist any desire to procrastinate. When developing your timeline always overestimate the amount of time and energy it will take to reach your goals. If you don’t give yourself enough time to achieve your goals you will be more likely to become overwhelmed and give up.

Commit and get to work. Make sure to plan and prepare, but don’t take too long.

Keeping a resolution takes a concerted and consistent effort and requires you to make both cognitive and behavioral changes. Before making a resolution, be sure that both your intent and commitment are serious. Remember, achieving a goal is a process that takes time--usually a lot of time. Don’t rush in, don’t expect immediate results, and most importantly, don’t expect not to experience some failures along the way. Frustration and difficulty staying motivated are the two main reasons why people give up on their well intentioned resolutions. Hopefully, the information in this article will help you to reduce any possible sources of resolution frustration. In my next article we will tackle that other resolution killer, maintaining motivation.

If anyone ever tells you that their family isn’t dysfunctional, they are one of three things: delusional, a liar, or absent from all family gatherings. During the holidays we routinely gather large groups of people together (people who may or may not know each other very well), place them in a confined area, and force them to interact. If this doesn’t sound like a recipe for disaster, I don’t know what does. In situations like this, tension, disagreements, and hurt feelings are inevitable. Here are a few tips to help you survive this holiday season’s family gatherings with your sanity intact. Who knows, you might even enjoy them this year.

Know your buttons. Elizabeth Kenny eloquently and concisely stated, “He who angers you, conquers you.” It is not unusual for family gatherings to turn into a button-pushing free-for-all. Often it starts with a passive aggressive remark or cutting look and then, before you know it, voices are raised and tempers are high. There are many people in our lives, including family members, who know they can control us and our emotions by pushing our buttons. Unfortunately, it is a rare occurrence for a button pusher to relinquish power and cease their button pushing. So, what can we do to regain control? Usually our gut response is to push back. Regrettably, this is a response that seldom fixes the problem. In fact, pushing back encourages and rewards the button pusher. The answer is a simple but sometimes difficult one to carry out: don’t react emotionally. I’m not suggesting that we shouldn’t stand up for ourselves when we feel it is absolutely necessary. When we must speak up, it is imperative that we not become defensive and respond in a neutral manner. Button pushers seek control through bullying. When a button pusher discovers they are no longer able to control you through anger, they will eventually move on to another victim who will provide the desired emotional response and relinquish their self-control.

Avoid “hot” topics. When I say “hot” topics, I don’t mean the latest gossip on Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. What I am referring to are those subjects, such as religion and politics, that almost everyone has a strong opinion about. Watch out; a “hot” topic might also be specific to a particular person. Subjects that generate stimulating conversation with one person, when discussed with a different person, could potentially erupt into World War III. Let me provide a personal example. I have an uncle who believes the whole man-walking-on-the-moon-thing didn’t really happen. It’s all really a big government conspiracy. When my mother remarried, my family decided in the interest of peace and harmony, not to mention to my uncle that my stepfather is an aerospace engineer and, worse yet, had worked on numerous space missions.

Save the debates and “lively discussions” for another time. It’s just easier that way.

Forgive & remember. Author Malachy McCourt, when speaking of forgiveness, said, “Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.” I am sure you have heard the saying, “forgive and forget.” Well, it’s not possible. No one can will spontaneous amnesia upon themselves. What we can do is remember the deed and forgive the person.

Family disagreements can destroy relationships and ruin holiday gatherings, but maintaining anger toward a family member often hurts you the most. Resentment can manifest itself in many ways such as headaches, muscle tension, insomnia, irritability, poor appetite, and over eating. Give yourself a gift this holiday season; forgive someone.

Forgiving doesn’t mean you are saying what happened is okay; it means you are tired of hanging on to damaging emotions. If you are in the process of forgiving a particularly hurtful act, and aren’t quite there yet, here are a few things you can do to lessen the tension. First, try avoidance. The chances of an ugly altercation erupting will lessen greatly if you maintain some distance. Second, practice deep breathing and other relaxation techniques. It doesn’t take much to set someone off who is on edge. Maintaining calm will help to decrease the likelihood of your reacting to a petty comment or ugly look. Third, if all else fails remove yourself from the situation. It is better to leave and miss out on the festivities for one year than to stay and do or say something you may regret for the rest of your life.

Focus on the positives. We all have annoying habits. Yes, even you have an annoying habit or two you may or may not be aware of. Focusing on a person’s positive traits can help make their negative ones a little more tolerable. Remembering when you were a child and great aunt Alice spent hours reading stories to you will make it a little easier to tolerate her removing her dentures at the dinner table to pick a little piece of Christmas ham out of them.

It’s only once a year! If all else fails, take a deep breath, count to ten, and remind yourself that it is only one day. It won’t last forever; it just may feel that way.

Remember, you can’t control the behavior of others, but you can control your behavior. If you aren’t able to successfully develop all of your family gathering survival skills this holiday season, don’t worry, you can always practice again next year. I hope these tips help you and your family to have your happiest holiday season ever.

For many of us, the holiday season has become less reminiscent of the idyllic scenes on Hallmark cards, in Jimmy Stewart movies, and sung about by Burl Ives and more reminiscent of A Nightmare on Elm Street, Chinese water torture, and being carried off by men in white coats. So, where did all that peace and goodwill towards man go? Actually, it hasn’t gone anywhere. Instead, it has become obscured by frenzied schedules, mounting credit card debt, and expectations that approach insanity. In this article I will share some tips on how you can turn a potentially hellish holiday season into a truly holly jolly one.

Keep your expectations realistic - The Hallmark Company has continued to thrive year after year for the same reason Playboy has: they both sell a fantasy. Just as the balding, beer-bellied guy with less than impeccable hygiene will never get the blonde, size 0, perky breasted 18-year-old that Playboy leads him to believe he can get, you will never achieve a holiday season void of the occasional dry turkey, tantrum from a sugar-filled exhausted child, and family feud over the when’s, where’s, and who’s of the holiday’s festivities. Remember, with the strain and stress of the holiday season, mishaps, misunderstandings, and mess-ups are inevitable. Try your best to roll with the punches the season throws at you and don’t let a few inevitable unfortunate or uncomfortable occurrences ruin your entire holiday.

Don’t try to buy holiday happiness – Don’t worry, I’m not going to push on you any of that, “happiness only comes from inside nonsense.” I have experienced the ecstasy that is New Shoes Euphoria and I am not ashamed of it. The things we buy can and do make life more comfortable. Problems such as debt, stress, marital issues, and poor health develop when we forget how to make ourselves happy without spending money. According to a study performed by Ohio State and published in the February 2000 edition of The Journal of Social Science and Medicine, subjects with high debt experienced much higher levels of stress and health problems than did subjects with little or no debt. Not all happiness has to come from inside, but if you want to remain physically, emotionally and financially healthy, the majority of it should.

Ask for help - If no one wants to help, say “no” – I am sure you have heard the Maya Angelou quote, “It takes a village to raise a child.” I have my own version of that quote: “It takes a village to buy gifts, hang decorations, bake cookies, organize family get togethers, and accomplish every thing else on the holiday to-do list.” If you aren’t wearing tights and a cape, don’t expect to be able to accomplish everything by yourself (If you are wearing tights and a cape, contact me immediately to set up a session). Don’t feel guilty asking others for help. In fact, if you need help, insist on it. Saying “yes” to things that even Wonder Woman couldn’t accomplish will only lead to stress, frustration, and resentment.

Take care of yourself – Amongst all of the hustle and bustle of the holiday season, it is easy to forget the most important person in your life: you. The strain of busy schedules, seemingly never-ending “to do” lists, and having to pretend to be both holly and jolly-- even when you aren’t-- can really wipe us out. Because of this, it is important, especially during the holiday season, to set aside time to relax and recuperate. Even if it is just for a few minutes a day, sneak away to a quiet distraction-free place and just enjoy the stillness. During the holidays, we are often forced to interact with people we would really prefer not to. These interactions may be inevitable, but they do not have to be lengthy. When crazy aunt Mildred starts in on her annual hour-long discussion about her planter warts and irritable bowels, find something that you simply must take care of immediately and don’t feel guilty about it. During this holiday season, try to maximize the time you spend with people who energize you and minimize the time you spend with people who drain you.

Follow these tips and you will be able to give yourself the best gift of all, a truly peaceful and happy holiday season. I hope everyone has their happiest holidays ever!

It‘s October and Halloween is just around the corner. This time of year is known for ghosts, goblins, and all things frightening. Although synonymous with fear, Halloween isn’t the only time we encounter scary things. Most of us experience fear at least a few times a month and some of us experience it everyday. So, what are you afraid of? Are you afraid of heights? What about spiders? If you are afraid of spiders, you aren’t alone. Recent research suggests that over half of women and 10% of men are afraid of spiders to some extent. So, does this mean that over 60% of adults have arachnophobia? (A phobic fear of spiders.) No, not necessarily. All of us have fears but not all of us have phobias. For a fear to be considered a phobia it must meet the following criteria:

According to the National Institute for Mental Health, approximately 14% of adults have a phobia of one type or another. A phobia is a provoking stimulus that can take the form of many things. In fact, if it exists, I guarantee someone somewhere is afraid of it. Here are a few phobias I ‘m sure you didn’t know existed:

We all fear different things to various extents. I’m sure most of you writers out there occasionally suffer from a touch of Graphophobia (writing phobia) and around the holidays most of us experience a little Syngenesophobia (relative phobia). There are some fears we would like to get rid of and then there are others that serve us well. For example, the fear of touching something hot and the fear of stepping in front of a moving car are both good fears. What about the fears that don’t serve us well? How do we rid ourselves of the fears that cause only anxiety and embarrassment? The most popular and effective technique used to treat phobias and fears is systematic desensitization. Don’t let the name intimidate you. This is a technique most people can learn and perform with relative ease and surprising success.

Remember, we can’t entirely eliminate fear from our lives, nor should we want to. Often, a little fear and anxiety is a good thing. Fear and anxiety are some of the best motivators. The anxiety most of us feel before giving a big speech helps us to stay motivated to prepare and practice. Our goal should be not to completely eliminate all of our fear and anxiety. Instead, we should work toward reducing our fear and anxiety to a tolerable level and avoidance of becoming controlled by unreasonable fears. Good luck confronting all those things that go bump in the night!

Does your “to do list” seem to grow longer instead of shorter every day? Often we spend our day in a frenzy of activities, but when the day comes to an end, we have very little to show for our efforts. Thankfully, effective time management is not a talent you must be born with. Anyone can learn to manage time efficiently. In this article, I will introduce you to the skills necessary to turn the stress and chaos of time mismanagement into the peace of mind and accomplishment of time management. I don’t want to waste any time, so let’s go ahead and get started.

Perform an initial assessment – Keep a journal of what you do throughout the day and how much time you spend on each task. Take a look at your journal after three to seven days. It should be relatively easy to identify when you appear to be spinning your wheels and not using your time effectively. It may be tempting to skip this step, especially if you are already overwhelmed by an ever increasing to do list. As tempting as it may be, don’t skip this step! When we are not feeling well and visit our doctor, she starts by listening to us describe our symptoms. In other words, she performs an initial assessment. Think about all of the time and money that would be wasted if our doctor did not perform an initial assessment and began by prescribing medications and ordering tests willy-nilly. Make sure to accurately identify your time management ailments before attempting to implement a treatment plan.

Develop a time management plan – Just as no two people are exactly alike, no two time management plans will be exactly alike. After you determine which areas need work, use the list below to develop the best course of action to resolve your unique time management difficulties.

Keep a journal and document your progress - Review your journal weekly to recognize your progress and accomplishments and to help determine which areas need continued focus and effort. Remain patient; learning how to effectively and efficiently use your time is a process. It should take between three and six months of conscious effort to turn the time management process into a beneficial habits that will last a lifetime.

Remember, time is defined by how we use it. When we possess good time management skills we are not only in control of our time, but also our peace of mind and ability to maintain balance in our lives.

We all have expectations about lots of different things. We have expectations regarding a book we are about to read, a movie we are going to see, or the new restaurant we are going to eat at before the movie. Our expectations shape our attitude towards things, people, and situations. How many times have you been surprised to find that the movie you had expected to be crummy turned out to be really good, or the person you expected to be a jerk turned out to be a genuinely nice person? Because of your initial expectations, your attitude toward seeing what turned out to be a great movie might have been resistance, or you might have behaved coldly towards someone who turned out to be a really nice person. Not only do we have expectations about the types of things mentioned above, but we also have expectations regarding ourselves, our future, and our potential. Attitude doesn’t have everything to do with success, but it does play a big role. After years of counseling a variety of different people, I discovered that when it comes to expectations about ourselves, we usually suffer from one of two different syndromes:

You may have an idea of which syndrome you suffer from. Are you an optimist (a.k.a. super hero), or are you a pessimist (a.k.a. super zero)? Below is a short quiz to help you make sure which you are.

Rate how much you agree or disagree with the following statements using the numbers below:
1 = Never true
2= Rarely true
3= True
4= Usually true
5= Always true

1) I usually expect the worst.
2) I like to consider everything that could go wrong.
3) I don’t like to get excited about something if it is not definite.
4) I like to try to plan for everything that might go wrong.
5) When making decisions, I carefully consider all of my options and how each might negatively impact me.

Now, add up your numerical responses and check below to see how you did.
25-20 Yep, you are definitely a pessimist.
19-15 You are primarily a pessimist with moments of optimism.
14-10 You are primarily a optimist with moments pessimism.
9-5 Yep, you are definitely an optimist.

Knowing whether you are an optimist or a pessimist is a good start, but it’s not everything. It is also important to determine which expectations are in need of adjustment. As I am sure you know, optimists expect only good. They begin a task with loads of energy and get started with no hesitation. You are probably thinking “Sounds pretty good.” Wait, you haven’t heard the downside yet. Optimists often find it difficult to maintain their superhuman energy level, and therefore, usually burn out before a task is completed. Optimists, because they only expect good, do not prepare for possible bumps in the road. When a bump does arise, optimists are usually unprepared and often react badly. Pessimists, on the other hand, expect only bad. They find it difficult to begin tasks or maintain any motivation. Often, pessimists get bogged down in considering and planning for everything that might go wrong. Worst yet, pessimists may not even attempt a task because they feel there are too many obstacles to overcome.

Ideally, we want to find a place between optimism and pessimism. Our goal, therefore, should be to become realists. In other words, to have realistic expectations regarding ourselves and others. Realists are aware that not everything is going to work out the way they hoped or planned, but are confident that when problems arise, they will overcome them with level headedness and persistence. Realists understand that planning is crucial to success, but they also understand that it is very easy to get bogged down in over planning. Realists do not expect perfection or superhuman feats out of themselves or others, but they do expect that we will all try to do our best. Here are a few steps to help you move away from the unrealistic to the realistic:

1) Set realistic goals. Make sure that your goals are within your control. Whether or not you will get published is not within your control. Finishing your manuscript so that you can submit it to an editor is. Your time line in which to accomplish your goal should also be realistic. Expecting to fit in completing three chapters between picking up dry cleaning, carting children to gymnastics, baking 40 cupcakes, visiting your friend in the hospital, and taking the dog to the vet is not realistic. We make goals to keep us motivated and focused, not to torture and discourage.

2) Focus on the big picture, not the little bumps. For example, focus on the fact that over the past fourteen days you got two chapters closer to accomplishing your goal of completing your book. Not that you were in the bed with the flu and unable to do any writing for six of those days.

3) Start small. If all goes well, add more. For example, start with a goal of writing five pages a day. If you feel you are able to do more, add a page or two at a time. The key is to know when to stop. You want to challenge yourself, not overwhelm.

To all of you optimists out there, remember perfection is not realistic, nor is trying to be everything to everyone all the time. To you pessimists, remember nothing ventured nothing gained.

Your attitude, negative or positive, can significantly influence how you feel, behave, and react. Maintaining a positive attitude is more important than we might suspect. Many of us think it is good to have a positive attitude so we will feel better. This is true, maintaining a positive attitude is also important because a pervasive negative attitude can forever change the inner most parts of who you are, what you believe, and what is possible. To understand how this can occur, we must first understand the difference between mood and personality. Mood is a temporary state of being that can change on a minute-to-minute basis. We change our moods often and usually with little effort. Personality is a more constant core trait and, therefore, difficult to change. We are all born with a basic personality that continues to develop as we experience and learn. Our moods are created not by our actual life experiences, but how we perceive these experiences. If our perception is “the sky is falling,” our mood will be one of anxiety. If we continue to perceive most of our life events in this way, our once temporary anxious mood will become part of our constant personality. This means that someone who once had an upbeat positive personality can, with time, develop a depressed, anxious, and negative personality. If you fear your moods may have already changed your personality, don’t worry, the damage can be undone. If you are a habitual negative thinker, here are a few things you can do to help turn your frown upside down:

Evaluate and correct irrational and/or negative thoughts.
Are you a Chicken Little? Is the sky above your head always falling? If so, stop! I know, easier said than done. Start by being aware of your thoughts. This is important because we can’t change what we aren’t aware of. Once you have identified a negative or irrational thought, fix it. To fix a thought simply reframe it in a more rational and positive light. For example: You get an appointment with an editor to pitch a book. You only have ten minutes and the pressure is really on. If you are a Chicken Little you might say to yourself, “I know I am going to screw this up. I never do well under pressure. I always get nervous and end up looking like a complete fool. What if I act like an idiot and word gets around to the other editors? None of them will ever give me another appointment. That will be the end of my writing career.” If you are a reformed Chicken Little you might say to yourself, “I am prepared and practiced. I may be a little nervous, that’s normal, but I will do just fine. Even though I know I will do great, if I don’t, there will be a next time. Even if things don’t work out the way I hope, this will still be an excellent opportunity to practice pitching.” If you are emotional and having difficulty thinking rationally, ask for help from a level-headed friend. Usually, there is a silver lining to every cloud. Sometimes, you just have to look really hard for it.

Get up and move that derriere!
Staying active promotes a sense of well-being, decreases tension, and helps reduce stress. Stay active by spending time with people who are encouraging and help to bring out the best in you and your moods. Engage in activities that put you in a good mood. Doing this will help you maintain a positive and optimistic outlook, even during the though times.

Plan for tomorrow, but only worry about today.
Are you a what if’er? If so, quit wasting energy and time worrying about “what if.” Instead, focus on “what is.” There is a good chance “what if” may never happen; on the other hand, “what is” is happening right now. Invest your time and energy where it will make a difference: the definite and the right now, not the maybe.

All good things come to an end. Therefore, so do all bad things.
All states of emotional distress end or, at the least, lessen so that they are manageable and tolerable. If you don’t like your mood, take action. Don’t sit back and wait for it to end on it’s own. Take responsibility for yourself, your experiences, and your moods. For example: You receive a rejection letter from an editor. You have a choice: wallow in your depression, anger, and disappointment for weeks on end or, wallow for a day, then pick yourself up and dust yourself off. Use the event to motivate instead of paralyze. Think of all the great stuff that might develop if you channeled all of those emotions into a new book.

Monitor your efforts and progress.
A great way to develop a plan of action and monitor your progress is to keep a journal. Write down negative thoughts and how often they occur. Think about how these thoughts affect your moods, behaviors, and personality. Practice reframing thoughts and viewing experience in a positive light. Keeping a journal will help you to identify patterns and areas that need extra attention. It will also keep you motivated. Often we find it difficult to see the progress we have made. Having this tangible reminder will help you remember where you started and how far you have come.

Remember, it may sometimes seem like the sky is falling, but it isn’t. Good luck, Chicken Littles of the world! I hope these tips will help you turn your frowns upside down.

Is it possible? Can serenity be only ten steps away? While no one can promise advice on how to totally rid your life of stress, it is possible to greatly reduce the amount of stress in your life. It is even possible to attain the Holy Grail every busy adult quests for: serenity. In my last article, I shared the first five steps, and in this article we will continue the list.

6) Please step away from the drama. Has anyone ever called you a drama queen? If so, it is time to relinquish your crown and join the drama-free commoners of the world. If you are a drama queen who wishes to retire your crown, take a look at why you seek out drama. Some people seek drama to spice up what they perceive as an otherwise dull existence or to draw their attention away from problems they would rather not deal with. Others become addicted to the attention and adrenaline rush a good drama can create. What is missing in your life that you are substituting drama for? Drama is great for fictional characters, not real people. If you must have drama in your life, try living vicariously through your characters.

7) Go with the flow. Does your life ever feel like a roller coaster? If it does, don’t worry, most of us feel this way. Ups and downs are inevitable because change is inevitable. Everything and everyone around us is in a state of constant change. Instead of fighting fruitlessly against the high and low tides in life, go with the ever-changing flow. The next time life throws you a curve ball, try to remain rational and, most importantly, try to relax and float along as best you can.

8) Look forward, not back. None of us can change the past, but we can help to determine where the future will take us. Many of us spend precious time and energy that could be put to better use else where, beating ourselves up for past actions. None of us possesses an endless supply of time or energy, yet many of us waste our limited supply worrying about the past. Instead of focusing on what you can’t change, focus on taking action so you will not make the same mistake again. Remember, the past may be set in stone, but the future is a blank slate.

9) Don’t be a negative Nelly. If you tell yourself, “This is going to be a crappy day,” short of winning the lottery or perhaps selling a book, it will be. Our thoughts are powerful. They can become self-fulfilling prophecies that control our mood, behavior, and self-esteem. If we tell ourselves something over and over, regardless of whether it is true or not, eventually we will come to believe it. Have you ever met anyone with everything going for them, yet they have no self-confidence? More than likely they have convinced themselves they have nothing going for them even though it is obvious to everyone around them they do. Making lemonade out of the lemons in life isn’t as difficult as it may seem if you maintain a positive attitude.

10) Honesty is the best policy. Constantly being on the run so that our half-truths and lies don’t catch up with us is exhausting. If you goof, ‘fess up. We can’t fix what we don’t acknowledge. Growth can only be achieved when we acknowledge our shortcomings and work towards healthier and more productive behaviors. Honesty will not only foster self-growth but also it will also grow stronger relationships. Deceit not only kills trust but also relationships. Relationships thrive in an atmosphere of trust and caring.

Begin your journey toward serenity slowly. Choose a few steps to focus on at a time. Once you feel you have mastered a step, choose another to focus on. Try incorporating these steps into your day, and you should notice reduced stress, increased peace of mind, and most importantly, serenity.

Are you stressed out, tired, and generally cranky? If you answered “yes,” you are not alone. A recent survey of adults found that 1 in 5 feel “very stressed” most of the time. Wanting to do my part to help reduce this epidemic of misery, I have developed the following ten steps to serenity. Try incorporating these steps into your day and you should notice reduced stress and increased peace of mind.

1) You deserve a break today. I’m sure you never expected to find wisdom in an old McDonald’s commercial. If you want serenity, you must set aside time for yourself. Taking time for yourself is not selfish, and it’s not impossible. Psychologist Abraham Maslow theorized that basic needs such as hunger and thirst must be satisfied before higher needs such as positive self-esteem and love can be addressed. I think Abraham is on the right track. The only problem is I think he missed a few basic needs such as rest and relaxation. How can we expect to be able to properly attend to the needs of our children, spouse, and family when we have not properly attended to our own basic needs? Make finding time for yourself a high priority, and it will happen.

2) Get over it! Holding grudges and living in the past wastes a lot of precious energy that could be put to much better use. It could be used for making time for yourself. Remember, forgiving does not mean what happened was okay. Forgiving means getting rid of negative baggage you are tired of lugging around. Forgive for yourself and to help you feel better, not for someone else.

3) Go ahead, give yourself a pat on the back (Or two, or three, or one hundred). It’s okay to toot your own horn. Every day we accomplish many things. Acknowledge your accomplishments both big and especially small. Think about this week. Have you done any writing, spent time with your children, listened to a friend, or exercised? All those count! Often we discount our accomplishments with “yeah, buts”: “Yeah, but, I didn’t write as much as I should have.” “Yeah but, I should have spent more time with the kids.” “Yeah, but, I could have done more for my friend.” “Yeah, but, I should have exercised more.” If you make any forward progress toward a goal, whether it be getting published, raising great kids, being a thoughtful friend, or getting rid of an unwanted jiggle, you have accomplished something.

4) Use, but don’t abuse, friends, family, and helping professionals. Expecting to always be able to handle everything without the help and support of others is unrealistic. Everyone gets down, and everyone faces problems and difficulties. Even the people around us who seem to lead the most idyllic of lives have problems. I promise! If you need help, speak up and ask for it. If you feel your problem is too big or too embarrassing to go to a friend or family member with, then seek assistance from a professional. Most people have received professional help at some point in their life; they just don’t talk about it. Admitting you need help does not mean you are weak or ineffective; it means you are human.

I know I promised ten steps. Don’t worry; you will get all ten, just not right now. I hate to leave everyone with a cliff-hanger, but I don’t want to overwhelm anyone. Take this next month to acquaint yourself with the above steps, then check back next month for the final five steps to serenity. Good luck, and remember serenity is only ten steps away.

Imagine, confronting your partner about their lack of help with household duties or confronting a family member about their hurtful comments and not have it turn into World War III. Impossible you say? Well, I say possible! Before you conclude that I am living in la-la land, allow me to make some clarifications. I believe it is possible to master the art of positive confrontation. Unfortunately, I also believe it is not an easy undertaking. As with many things in life, mastering the art of positive confrontation takes time, practice, dedication, and knowledge. I will supply the knowledge but it is up to you to supply the time, practice, and dedication.

To master the art of positive confrontation, it is not enough to simply know what you should be doing. Additionally, you must also know what behaviors you are engaging that are leading to your disastrous results. I emphasize you because positive confrontation is all about you. Many of us make the mistake of focusing on what others are doing wrong. This is a mistake because the only person’s behavior you can control is your own. Just as anyone who has spent time with a strong willed child will tell you, you can’t make anyone do anything they don’t want to. Therefore, invest your time and effort into changing your behavior. If you do this, you will be guaranteed results. Try to change others’ behaviors and you will be guaranteed resistance and frustration. Now, let’s focus on where you might be going wrong. Below is a comparison of what determines if a confrontation will turn out to be positive or negative. If your confrontations are not going as well as you would like, you are almost certainly engaging in one or more of the behaviors listed under negative confrontation. Take a minute and look over the lists. Where are you going wrong? Once you determine where you are going wrong you will know what to work on.

Now that you have determined which areas need work, let’s focus on what to do instead.

Plan ahead - I love plans and this is a time when having a plan is essential. When creating your plan think about these things: What do you want to communicate? What is the best way to say it? What do you hope to accomplish? When is a good time to have your discussion? How do you think they feel? How do you think things look from their perspective? What might go wrong?

Keep your cool - When we are emotional, we are horrible decision makers. This is why it’s important to remain unemotional. Most people really struggle with this step. With time and practice you will find something that works for you. It may be a deep breathing technique or learning how to reframe your thoughts. Don’t give up and keep searching until you find what works for you.

Tell the truth - None of us like to do it, but if you are wrong, admit it. For example, if you are confronting someone about their hurtful comments, admit to and apologize for hurtful comments you made. Rarely, if ever, is a problem solely the fault of one person. Think about your role in the problem and take responsibility for your actions or comments.

Play fair - I am sure you are all familiar with the biblical concept of “do unto others.” If you aren’t willing to do it, don’t ask someone else to. Also, don’t make impossible requests such as: Promise you will never loose your temper again or I expect you to always be supportive of me. Remember, no one can promise never or always.

Listen more than you speak - You chatty folks may have some difficulty with this one. It is important to listen so you can better understand the other person’s point of view. The more you know about a problem the better prepared you will be to resolve it. Also, when people feel heard and understood, they are more likely to remain calm and cooperative.

Remain respectful - Are you an adult? Make sure you behave like one. This means no name calling, yelling, or threatening. Engaging in childish behavior is a sure way to turn a discussion into a battle.

Establish boundaries - Know your limits and stick with them. What are you willing to compromise on? What will you do? What won’t you do? Be very explicit when communicating boundaries. For example, a friend is constantly asking you to babysit. In this case, explicit communication of boundaries might sound something like this: I am happy to babysit twice a month for no more than four hours at a time. If you would like for me to babysit, I will need to be asked at least twenty-four hours in advance and, if I do not have any prior commitments, I will be happy to help out. Being explicit when communicating boundaries helps cut down on confusion and future problems.

Be assertive, not aggressive - Many people think they are being assertive when in fact they are being aggressive. When you are behaving in an assertive manner, you stand up for your rights without denying or infringing on the rights of others. Most of us, when approached in an aggressive manner, will respond with defensiveness. When we or others become defensive or aggressive the situation is almost guaranteed to turn very ugly very quickly.

            Mastery of positive confrontation is a talent and, as with any talent, the more you practice the better your performance. Don’t confuse mastery with perfection. No one handles every confrontation perfectly, not even Counselor Shelley. Good luck and happy confronting!

            There is a definite stigma and shame associated with jealousy. When this feeling arises within us, we often struggle to quickly cover it up and pray that no one will discover our dirty little secret. But why is this so? This is not the time of Hester Prynne. If discovered, it's not as if we will be forced to wear an emerald J across our chests. Why, then, do we go to such great lengths to deny our jealous feelings to others and even ourselves? The short answer is our need to appear mature and our innate survival instincts.
            Experiencing feelings of jealousy are normal and inevitable. One factor that ensures we will struggle with occasional bouts of jealousy is the people we choose to associate with. No, I am not insinuating that we are all hanging out with the wrong crowd. In fact it is just the opposite, we are hanging around with the right crowd. That is, the right crowd for us. The people we choose to associate with are often similar to us. They are usually in the same stage of life, share similar interests, and their goals are usually not too far off from ours. Simply put, persons of the same peer group tend to value and therefore want the same things. When I use the term "things" I am not only referring to tangible items such as homes and cars. I am also referring to the "things" we often value even more than possessions, such as strong relationships, career and/or academic achievements, physical attributes, and power. The Rolling Stones were right when they sang, "You can't always get what you want." None of us will always be the first in our group to achieve, attain, and accomplish the things our group values. It is because of this harsh reality that occasional bouts of jealousy are inevitable.
            There are certain feelings associated with immaturity; jealousy is #1 on this list. As adults,