What Happened to the Good Girls?
by Angel

Okay, I've seen and heard about enough. (And those who know me realize I must have to be jumping into any form of conflict.) What am I so upset about?

Why is it, for women to be considered strong and take charge, they must be b*tchy? I'm not talking about being given this name for no reason. I mean women who openly cultivate this image. Since when do women have to go out of their way to demean others to be popular and considered funny? Other words for it would be snide, sarcastic, nasty, spiteful, snarky (by some definitions), or just plain mean.

This image is running rampant in our society, more prevalent in our culture now, but the precedent has been long-standing. News reporters, tv show characters, stand-up comedians, bloggers, the "cool" girls in high school, and yes, even the "in" Mom's who rule womens' groups, usually have one thing in common: they are nice to your face, but not afraid to tear you down (in public or private) if you step outside their expectations.

I've even read books where the new "strong female heroine" is really just a woman comfortable with lashing out at others. Subsequently I put the book down, because I just can't relate to this woman. And don't try to tell me that doing it in a funny way makes it alright. Hurtful is hurtful. Period.

When did this become acceptable? When did snark become the popular form of criticism? Why do so many not only condone it, but indulge in it? Let's just call it what it is—criticizing or humiliating others at their expense to build yourself up or gain popularity.

How do these "mean girls" come to wield such power? Fear. Other women are basically afraid of being trashed if they step out of line, so they laugh and go along with the crowd. Peer pressure doesn't stop after high school, after all. Thus they continue to belong and bask in approval. But it's funny, you might say. And yes, it can be. Until your turn comes to be spotlighted and humiliated. I doubt you'd find it so funny then. But it's a public forum, you might say in some instances. If people are willing to go out there, they deserve to be humiliated. Maybe so. Stupid people abound. But does this make it acceptable to be mean? Which is better? Mean or stupid? At least stupid people don't usually realize they are stupid...

Personally, I don't understand this phenomenon or the women who embrace it. Seeing a woman, or anyone, lash out at others causes me to 1. squirm in my seat, and 2. lose respect for the lashee. Heck, I can't even watch the audition parts of American Idol, no matter how deserved Simon Cowell's comments are (see above statement about stupid people...) Am I saying I'm perfect? Well, my nickname is Angel...  :) But no, I'm not perfect. I don't always have an angelic tone or nice things to say. But I reserve those comments for close friends, in private.

There was a time here in the South when this was totally unacceptable behavior, especially for women. Ladies spoke with poise and tact. Doesn't mean they were mealy-mouthed and weak. Southern women are notoriously strong and able to intelligently speak their minds. Note I said 'intelligently'. We don't resort to mud-slinging or emotional blows below the belt. We state the truth—tactfully but directly.

This issue concerns me even more because I have a daughter. Drama Queen will be 8 soon. As a child of the public school system, I worry about her involvement with Future B*tches of America. It's already started—junior league stuff, of course—with the childish "I won't be your friend if you don't do as I say," along with "We won't play with you anymore." I know this is mild compared to being ostracized, but these girls are just learning the ropes. At 7!

Gee Whiz! Forgive me for saying I want my daughter to be NICE to others. I hope she has the EMPATHY AND SENSITIVITY to put herself in their shoes, feel what they feel, and realize they hurt just like she does.

Where is the fine line? I don't want her to be a doormat. I don't want her to be an unfeeling b*tch. Can I teach her to be a genuinely nice person while standing up for herself and her beliefs? Sometimes things do have to be said. Unpleasant things. Reprimands. Criticism. The Truth. But where is the classy woman who only strikes out when she has to and it is wholeheartedly deserved?

Have any of these people ever learned the true meaning of TACT (definition from M-W.com online dictionary):

1: sensitive mental or aesthetic perception <converted the novel into a play with remarkable skill and tact>
2: a keen sense of what to do or say in order to maintain good relations with others or avoid offense

Synonyms: tact, address, poise, savoir faire: mean skill and grace in dealing with others. Tact implies delicate and considerate perception of what is appropriate <questions showing a lack of tact>. Address stresses dexterity and grace in dealing with new and trying situations and may imply success in attaining one's ends <brought it off with remarkable address>. Poise may imply both tact and address but stresses self-possession and ease in meeting difficult situations <answered the accusations with unruffled poise>. Savoir Faire is likely to stress worldly experience and a sure awareness of what is proper or expedient <the savoir faire of a seasoned traveler>.

As writers, can we display to the world our aesthetic perception? Our ability to read others and react as if the whole world is watching (which they are)?

Angel